Tales of the Parodyverse

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DONAR hoping that his three readers bring the Hood's eight along for a read. ;)
Wed Jun 14, 2006 at 01:59:54 pm EDT
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In the spirit of giving back to my beloved community, I present, as promised "When Donar Met Annj part III"
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“Then what happened?” Harlagaz enquired of his hemigod father. “Thou canst not begin a tale of lovequesting and then leaveth one waiting like that.”

Donar surveyed the room. He had been relating the tale of his quest for Annj, the quest that meant more to him than any had before, but had found himself lost in thought wondering where his beloved wife was now. Was she missing with Ausgard? Was she separated from the realm entirely and lost to him forever?

“Father?” Gaz enquired again. “Why art thou thinking? Surely you didst teachech unto me that to think is the second last mistake to maketh in battle.”

“Aye son, I am sorry. Thou art right.” Donar brought his focus back to his room in the Lair mansion, a room of stonework and carved wood illuminated only by the random flickering of the dying fire. “We had best refuel our fire and our bellies if this tale shall continue. The Skalds demand it.” He poured himself and his son another mug of warm mead, threw another log on the fire and watched the disturbed embers rise towards the chimney. “That wood dost remind me..after the quest for the sacred Entrapment Armor cameth the quest for Yggcalyptus’ magic sap..”



And so it was that Donar had found himself beside the great yawning chasm of Grinning-gap, the Happy Place of yore that was the most direct route to the roots of Yggcalyptus, the World Gum Tree that holds the Nine realms in their axis. As he looked down into the abyss, he noted it was true what mortals had said..it did look deep into him as well. He noted a distinct lack of any type of ladder or stairway down, not to mention that there also didn’t seem to be a bottom to it. In fact, when he squinted he was almost positive that he saw..stars?

This posed something of a quandary. Unlike Middlegard which had its own laws of gravity and a globey-kind of shapeyness to it, the other eight realms (Ausgard being one of them) were more creative with their rules. In fact, it would be safe to say that there were no rules to speak of, except for one: ‘The worlds are flat and if you go too close to the edge you’ll fall off into space and be lost forever’. This is much like Middlegard used to be before the mortals believed it to be otherwise and thus created their own dualistically hemisphered anomaly.

Donar pondered three things as he stood before the archaic rift in the ground. Firstly, the mortals had shaped their world with their own beliefs and stopped falling into space. The second was that he would be leaping down to Yggcalyptus or his apparent demise to save the fairest maiden he had e’er seen.
The last thing was that he would die without question anyway to save her.

As he fell a fourth came to mind. “Dead hemigods can’t rescue maidens in distress.”



“And?” Visionary asked from the doorway. “Uh, I mean, I was passing and the door was open and....is that roasted Jargen…jeflagen..das…the pig thing with the spines and wings?? Cause I quite liked that last time we were in Ausgard.”

“Aye! Join me Visz, perhaps you can convince father to continue his tale in a more hasty manner?”

“I dunno ‘Gaz.” Visionary questioned as he found a vacant animal skin to sit on and bit into a roasted hind wing. “Your dad usually takes his time with his tales, but the hints need to be guilt-induced to be effective.”

“If I couldst continueth?” Donar asked of his growing audience “..then continueth I shall.”



So it was that Donar fell head first through space. He looked down (which was above him) and saw Grinning-gap rising steadily away from him as though he were still. He became aware of the vast smiling crescent of it that was unnoticeable from above. It was odd, he thought, how sometimes you can be too close to things to notice them and you need to fall through space to get some perspective. Looking below (which was thusly achieved by looking up), he saw only stars to all sides. Looking back to Grinning-gap by this stage was pointless as it had drifted from view, even that of a God.

Donar was also aware now that space was a lot warmer than he had expected. The mortals had led him to believe with their cosy-looking astronaut costumes that it was a cold dark place devoid of anything, again possibly because they believed it was so, and it catered their beliefs. If anything, it was too comfortable, what with the warm breeze on his face and the stars shining just for him. In other circumstances, it could be quite a romantic environment. He allowed himself to close his eyes and see the beautiful Annj beside him, her ichor hair and crystalline eyes that defied colors. He could see her soft ruby lips, inviting him, seducing him, demanding to be kissed.
He slowly drifted into kissing them, only to find himself on the receiving end of a skull-shattering blow.

As he opened his eyes, he could still see stars but they were definitely not of a celestial nature. This was due to that fact that he was lying flat on his face in a rather large crater, probably caused by his recent impact. Donar rose to his feet and wiped the blood from his nose, leaning on the enormous tree root beside him for support.
He became quite glad no one had seen him break a freefall though space with his face, even if he had found Yggcalyptus by doing so.

“Nice landing, Oldmanson.” A shrill voice laughed at him from above.

“Ratatosk. Wonderful.” Donar replied looking up at the Kjookaburra in the branches above him. Ratatosk was the entity charged with spreading information from one end of the World Gum to the other. In this life, he chose the form of a Kjookaburra though he had been a squirrel before the pact was made with the Celestians.
“I don’t supposeth we can keepeth this to ourselves?”

“All things for a price, Thunderer. You plan on calling your avatar so we can get this show on the road?”

“Very well.” Donar closed his eyes and said the second summoning spell. “Verh’atah” he muttered, feeling more confident knowing that spiffy would be along soon. If anyone could help him with acquiring sap, who better than the coat rack with the symbiotic fern? It came as quite a surprise to Donar, then, when he saw Visionary standing beside him. Still, it was not half the surprise Visionary was having.


“What?” Visionary choked on the mouthful of roasted Jjaflendasgr wing in his mouth. “I don’t remember ever helping you with..”

“Ahh. See, this is where things getteth confusing for mortals.” Harlagaz condescended to Visz as Donar gave a knowing nod.

“Dearest friend Visionary, do you not remember a dream wherein you were near a large tree with myself and a talkative bird, and..”

“Uh. No.” Visionary lied. “Go on. Finish your story. Before someone else shows up.”



“You’re not Kathy Ireland.” Visz accused correctly.

“Aye. And thou art not spiffy.” Donar counterpointed.

“Where are my ice skates…?” Visz continued, looking at his bare feet, somewhat disoriented. “Kathy and I were ice skating, then I tripped on a green canoe that...I’m dreaming, aren’t I?”

“He’s a quick one.” Ratatosk noted. “This’ll be done in no time, Donar, really.”

“Still thy beak, ‘tosk.” Donar snapped, turning to Visz who was now clicking his heels together in a vain attempt to wake up. “Friend Visionary…a spell wast sent by the great Visioneery to call forth three aides in my quest to saveth my beloved.”

“Uh-huh.” Visz acknowledged, still clicking.

“The second task was to helpeth with getting sap.”

“Uh-huh..hey!” Visz’s confusion suddenly became indignation. “If one more person calls me a sap tonight I swear I’m gonna... First spiffy, now you!”

“Oh this is rich.” Ratatosk cackled. “The spell rebounded from spiffy to your friend here and you end up with the wrong avatar. I need to write this down, you got a pen?”

“You got hands to write with, you insane woodpecker?” Visz shot back. “That’s it..I’m still dreaming. Why else would I be arguing with a bird and looking for ice skates…in space?”

“Ok, everybody calm down. You. Mortal. In answer to your question, yes I did have hands, once. Long before the Celestians made the pact that turned Norse Gods into Australian amalgams, I was a squirrel. Nidhogg the Crjocodile at the bottom end of the tree used to be a dragon and Vidofnir up at the top was an eagle and still is..but he’s a Wjedge Tjailed eagle..it’s all very confusing and kind of contrived but the short version is that we only had cosmetic changes so that the Asgardians…sorry…Ausgardians wouldn’t start asking questions, realise the changes made and undo the pact, dooming them and your realm in the process.”

“Right.” Visz confirmed. “And Celestians are?”

“Never mind that. You’ll forget when you leave and so will the big dumb bruiser next to you when you both go back to your respective realms. Now as for you, Godling. You want sap, you better head up to see the Koalans. I have to pass a message on to Nidhogg from Vidofnir and it’ll take me day to get back up top with the reply. Have fun.”

Ratatosk then set flight down toward the lower roots of the great tree, leaving Donar and Visionary alone on their trek to the Koalan home city.

To describe a Koalan to someone who had never seen one is not an easy task. They are the protectors of the World Gum Tree and are exceedingly good at their jobs. The average Koalan is about nine feet tall when standing upright, covered in a dense grey fur and has five finger-like black claws on each hand that can just as easily pick leaves for sustenance as shred a foe to ribbons. Their movement can vary from a slow quadrupedal amble to something akin to an angered silverback gorilla when provoked. Suffice to say, they are not recommended as pets.

The only known weakness of a Koalan however, is their need to sleep. They will thusly spend the majority of their time in a light nap conserving their energy and allowing their attackers to come within shredding range.

As Donar explained these facts to Visionary, he became quite concerned.

“So to sum up, these things are big, powerful and could cut you in half without a lot of effort. And you need to get past them to get some sap, right?”

“Aye. Twill be a most terrible battle and a truly good death should the fates decide ‘tis my time to perish.”

“I get all that but…we’re climbing up tree branches now that are the size of melancholy omnibuses. Can’t we just get some sap here and be off home without all the shiny glorious dying?”

“If only ‘twere so easy, mine boon companion.” Donar explained, pausing his climb to let Visz catch his breath. “Thou see…none but the teeth of Nidhogg and the mystic stone Ul-Uru can breach Yggcalyptus’s enchanted wood.”

“And the Koalans.” Visionary puffed, hoping that Donar would get the hint and stop for a bit longer. “They have sap to-go or do we need to get it ourselves after we die from them killing us both?”

“Tis funny.” Donar reflected, ignoring Visionary’s lack of tree climbing stamina and moving forward. “When friend Enty didst appear as mine first aide, he exerted no energy. I think because he believed he wert akin to his “hologrammes” he wert not actually here, but floated alongside me all the while. You however believe you art dreaming. Yet instead of flying, your mind forces you to do things the hard way.”

“Your point?” a heavily perspiring Visionary asked, dreading where Donar’s mock-psych evaluation was heading.

“The power of mortal beliefs, that art all. I believeth in ye, mine friendeth. Thou shouldst also.”

“I’ll give it some thought, should we not die. In the meantime, how about carrying me for the next few miles or so? I just looked down and saw I’m climbing a tree in space and I can’t move.”



“Surely thou canst remember mine carrying of thyself up the winding hide of Yggcalyptus until we reached the walls of the Koalan Capital?” Donar asked Visionary who remained insistent that he did not.

“I remember Kathy Ireland. And ice skates. The rest is a pack of lies.”

“Well perhaps this will jog thy memory…after all, thy assistance was key in my quest.”



The mountainous stone walls of the Koalan capital stood high in the Great Gum like a great ancient tree house. The monumental rocky doors were not often graced by visitors, so it came as little surprise when Donar’s enthusiastic knocks elicited no response from within.

“I don’t suppose there’s a giant magic doorbell somewhere?” Visz asked, getting the hang of this whole mythic quest business.

“Nay. Andst mine attempts to force these doors open hast resulted in naught but cuts in mine hands.”

“Can you chip off a bit of the door with Mjalcolm?”

“Perhaps” Donar agreed “but Mjalcolm art with mine beloved in Miserablegitheim.”

“Beloved? Who?”

“Ahhh…the most beauteous goddess mine worthless eyes hast e’er come to rest on. She is a beauty that defies words and can kill a fell beast with but one move of her sword. She thusly felled mine heart with the sway of her bosom and the radiance of her smile. Tis for her honor that I art on this quest.”

“Sounds like a perfect match. So we better come up with some sap so we can get you back to her. Ok? Think.”

“Think?” Donar puzzled.

“We’ll have to thi…I’ll have to think of some other way to get sap. Are these doors made of Ul-Uru? Can you break of a piece big enough to get..”

“Nay. These are but Razormarble. Tough, but would shred mine hands before breaching the Great Tree’s skin,”

“But Mjalcolm would break them?”

“Aye, for Mjalcolm itself is made of the very wood of the Great Gum for that reason alone. Naught can penetrate it, save Ul-Uru..”

“..and the Crjocodile teeth, right, right. Well, let’s avoid the teeth for now so we can…wait…what about the nail in Mjalcolm? It went though Big Scary Space Tree wood, what was it made of?”

“Enchanted Ul-Uru. Plucked from the side of this very tree by mine father and the Dwarves that crafted it.”

“The nail was in the tree?” Vis queried, not quite sure he had heard correctly.

“Aye. Mine whenst mine Allfather didst hangeth himself by his hands from this tree to obtain the knowledge of yore. Two Ul-Uru nails didst he driveth deep into his flesh and the knowledge wast his for e’ermore.”

“Two nails..one for each hand..but that means..”

“The one not in Mjalcolm art likely still embedded in the tree! Visionary, thy wisdom knows no bounds..Come! We haveth a nail to remove!” Donar shouted with excitement as he bounded off to the place he had been told of in his youth.

Visionary muttered to himself. “Actually, I was wondering how he got the second nail in.”

As Donar made his advance he was greeted with a grey blur to his left. He dodged as another blur passed him on the right. Visionary ducked for cover beneath Donar’s mass as a third blur whizzed down past them, cutting a large gash in the Hemigod’s arm. “DROPBEARS!” Donar yelled to his friend below. “get thee to safety!”

“Dropwhat?” Visionary asked again, hoping his dream was not now punishing him for his Ul-Uru nail revelation.

“Crack Koalan troops! The reason there was no response is they are all napping in wait above the nail in the tree!” Donar explained fending off a further three attacks and failing once. “They fall from above and resume napping in the branches below.”

“Oh!” Vis offered helpfully. “And when we die, they stop dropping?”

“Nay!” Donar reassured him “They haul our carcasses down to Nidhogg to be devoured alive before they killeth us!”

“Soooo glad I asked!” Visionary shared. “We really should do this more often.”

Donar took hold of the nearest branch with one hand and the scruff of Visz’s yellow coat with the other before swinging the Legionnaire to relative safety beneath the bough. “Thou will be not a threat to them here. Should we both hideth here, their assault will surely knocketh us both down to Nidhogg’s maw. HNNN!” Donar explained, as a third successful attacker tore through the muscle of his exposed leg. Gritting his teeth and panting, he continued. “Waiteth here til mine return. Should I not…”

“You’ll be back, big guy. Annj’s counting on it.”

“Aye. Verily.”

Donar then continued his advance on the enchanted nail above him with one thought on his mind. Annj. The burn in his leg lessened. The gashes on his arm became naught but a reminder to be careful. Slowly but surely he moved up. Another blur passed, missing him as he feinted to the left. The next met his fist with a sickening crunch and fell past him. He roared with passion and scrambled faster up the tree.
The next Koalan Dropbear was literally caught by surprise and swung like a rag doll to fend off a further four attempts to spill Ausgardian blood. The nail loomed ever closer, Donar’s determination growing stronger. “FOR AUSGARD!! FOR ANNJ!!” Donar cried and the Koalans hesitated. It was then that Donar made his final assault, swinging across to the nail and hanging from it by his bloodied hand. For a moment he hung there as time seemed to slow around him. The Koalans retreated back to their slumber, seeming almost fearful of him. He felt his arm tingling as the sap of the Great Gum trickled slowly over his wounds. The cuts on his hand had healed, and the gash on his arm was also gone. Switching hands, he anointed the torn flesh and shredded muscle of his leg and watched amazed as it healed before his eyes. Scars he had had since childhood were washed away like sandcastles at high tide.

With the use of his leg returned, he found his footing and wrenched the nail free. Sap now flowing freely, he removed his helm and collected some sap, cursing himself for not bringing a jar. Donar then replaced the nail firmly and began climbing back down to Visionary.

“Thou wert right. I didst returneth. Goodeth as new.”

“Better than new” Visz commented noting the sudden lack of large holes in the Oldmanson. “I guess the tree gives the worthy what they need in dire times, huh? Your Dad got knowledge, you got patched up and a hatful of questjuice.”

“Aye.” Donar agreed. “I got all that I needeth.”

“Well I need to wake up. This dream has been fun and all, but the sooner I forget all this, the better.”

“Aye. And I must press on also.” Donar rested his hand firmly on Visz’s shoulder.
“Thanketh you, mine friend. Again, I am humbled by your heart.”

“Ditto bud. Thanks for saving me from spiffy’s death.” Visz replied as he faded into nothingness and most likely woke up shaking his head and swearing off mushroom and anchovy pizza before bed.

“And as for thee, Ratatosk.” Donar muttered, tilting his head toward the Kjookaburra trying to hide in the branches beside him. “I suppose I can thank thee for the Koalans knowing of my intent?”

“Wyrd bið ful aræd.” Ratatosk replied in the Elder Tongue.

“Fate is fate. This is true. Had I not fought my way to my goal I would not have earned it.” Donar turned and looked at Ratatosk who seemed to now be smiling, assuming birds could smile. “I have what I came for. Now I need to return. My quest has one more step to complete before the fair Annj art truly safe.”

“You know the way, Thunderer. Take the step. Follow your fate.”

And for the second time that day Donar found himself falling through space. This time however he had the wisdom to land on his feet when he got back to Ausgard.



“And from there, I didst replaceth the sap into the hide of a beast and sendeth it forthwith to join the armor I had sent to Miserablegitheim.” Donar completed, matter-of-factly. “And you say you can remember none of this, mine friend?”

“Nope” Visionary lied for the second time that night. “And no amount of tall tales to the contrary can convince me otherwise. It’s a great saga though bud, really. You should write these down for people to read one day.”

“I would, but parts that were once so clear have become fuzzy. Oh well, tis but a trifle. I shall sleep me now and return to the rest of the saga another night, when mine audience art not half sleeping.” Donar promised, placing a thick animal fur over his sleeping son Harlagaz. “Til the morning, then. Sleep well, Visz.”

And so Visz went back off to bed. He wished he didn’t remember the story and that it had been a dream, but it wasn’t.

Most of all he wished he had forgotten about the Celestian/Asgardian pact like he was supposed to have forgotten it. He really hated keeping secrets that could doom realities. They were worse than mushroom and anchovy pizzas before bed.



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